Freaking fabulous

It has been a long and difficult road to loving myself. Truthfully, it is a work in progress. I beat myself over mistakes repeatedly. I have a difficult time forgiving myself. If people knew how hard of a time I gave myself, they probably would rarely criticize me and would probably tell me to give myself a break.

I am learning though. It is a slow process to self love and respect, especially if you were not respected or given autonomy as a child. I have finally realized though that if I don't love me, how can I expect anyone else to? Ultimately, it isn't about allowing others to love me or being loved by anyone else. It's about me being comfortable with who I am. I don't need anyone's love or approval. I approve of myself. I love and respect myself.

I still lie awake at night running mistakes through in my mind, over and over. I cut myself little slack and forget my mistakes even less. Yet, slowly, I realize I am smart, funny, pretty (not that external things matter), I have a lot to offer. Do I always like what I see in the mirror, externally or internally? No, of course not. This self-love has not magically transformed me. I have flaws, things I don't like and may never correct.

I am a work in progress though. I am miles ahead of anyone who isn't trying at all. It isn't a competition though, this is about ME, not anyone else. I am happier with myself today than I have ever been in my life. I accept my flaws while loving myself, they are not mutually exclusive. I don't have to be perfect to deserve love. I am amazing and if you don't like me, that's just too bad for you.

Anna Quindlin

I am actively upset with author, Anna Quindlin. I feel duped into reading Every Last One. I digress, I have been on a mission to read award winning, enriching books over the last couple of years. In this quest, I had an unpleasant experience recently. I had wanted to read Jessamyn Ward's Salvage the Bones and was able to pick it up at the library. Unfortunately, I read the jacket cover and *spoilers*, it revealed way too much about the book. Way. It revealed the main character was pregnant and her brother's dog would have a litter of puppies that would die one by one. I did not want to know these things. I wanted to discover them in the natural way, as a reader, as the author intended.
 Now, I am cautious about reading jackets and back covers. I don't want to know too much. Reading the back of the book has stopped me from reading some books all together. I almost read Wally Lamb's The Hour I First Believed, but after reading the back cover, I carefully returned the book to it's shelf. From the back cover, I discovered it involved the shooting incident at Columbine. Nope, can't do it. 
 I project. I have teenage children. I can't bear to think about school shootings. I can barely stand to write about it briefly. I imagine, as I'm reading, how I would feel, how those parents felt and I just can't stand to think about it. I've actually had my kids be in a lock-down situation and it's terrible. My son texted me, "Mom, we're in lock-down and have been for about an hour, do you know what's going on?" Lord, I've rarely felt that sick to my stomach in my life. It ended up not being a big deal but that's not the point. The point is I project, I imagine the worst and I already worry so I don't want to read things that fuel my already unhealthy level of parental concern. 
 Fast Forward to respected author, Anna Quindlin. I recently picked up Every Last One. It seemed fairly innocuous, at first. I didn't know much about the book, having not read the back cover. Approximately fifty percent of the way through the book, one of her twin sons, daughter and husband are all murdered. This is awful, truly awful. This is not a subject matter I am enjoying and I feel I have been conned by Anna Quindlin and her reputation as an author to read a book I am now thoroughly committed to but distinctly unhappy about. I am not saying I only read happy, feel-good types of books, I don't. I just read Donna Tartt's Goldfinch. It has some very unhappy moments. Children dying is just too much. I will finish the book, in the hopes it has some sort of redeeming message for me at the end. If not, I shall be deeply resentful.

I'm a B#$%@

Some years ago, BC (before children) I had a relationship that didn't work out. He called, asking me to come over so we could "talk", so I obliged him. When I got there he was civil and we sat down to hash out our differences. We talked for a while but then he ended up calling me a B&;%$#. So I stood up to leave. If the conversation wasn't going to be productive, and he was just going to call me names, why stay, I figured. He calmed down but in a few minutes the pattern repeated. Again, I stood to leave. I really did have better things to do with my time. He apologized once again. Alas, it happened again and this time I decided I was leaving, no matter what he said. At this point he said, "You're just mad because you finally met your match!" I said, "You are sadly mistaken if you think calling me a B#$%@ makes you my match", and I really meant it.
 I think the "B" word has lost much of it's power in the last 20 years. Men will still hurl the insult at women but I think many women no longer even find it all that insulting. Thank you Paula Cole for "I'm a B@#$%", embracing all that a woman can be, and all at the same time. Some women even wear the moniker proudly. Sayings like, "You say I'm a B@#$% like it's a bad thing", and good for them. It's misogynistic and I dislike words that are supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. I do love a good curse word now and then, the degrading ones not so much though. Whether you embrace the word and wear it proudly or find it deeply insulting, it is still out there and being thrown around on a regular basis. How you deal with it is up to you though. We all have the right to reject these stereotypes and embrace our feminine power. And yes, Kevin B., you're still not my equal.

9/11

9/11, what a terrible, terrible day that was. As we approach the 10th anniversary I can't help but reflect back on that day. It is my generation's, and others, Kennedy Assignation. We will always remember where we were and what we were doing. It is indelibly etched on our memories. I could live the rest of my life without seeing the horrible news footage of that day, unfortunately, television programming is full of documentaries about 9/11. The news stands are full of magazines showcasing the children of 9/11 and the news carries stories of terror plots still afoot. America is changed, we are changed. We will never again be those innocent, ignorant citizens again. We never thought something like that could happen on American soil, we had an oh so false sense of security. Now we know the horrible truth and we have to live with it. Anniversaries of 9/11 are unsettling because it isn't a holiday, no one wants to celebrate. Many bumper stickers, posters and t-shirts bear slogans of "We"ll never forget", and it is true, we won't ever forget. I wish I could forget though. I'd like to return to that innocence, I'd like to give that innocence back to my children. I'd like to assuage the fear I feel when I fly. How then to commemorate this anniversary? It is supposed to be a day of service or volunteering, but that just doesn't feel right to me. I feel lost. I remember feeling this way keenly on the first anniversary. I noticed many people felt similarly lost. We organized a family picnic at our school so that people wouldn't feel lost or alone on that day. They knew there were others who felt the same way they did. It worked for us, filled the emptiness we felt. This 9/11, I will reflect on those we lost and who sacrificed themselves so that other might be saved and hold my children just a little closer, knowing their world is different and more dangerous than the one I grew up in.

Graduation

I got cleared for graduation on Thursday. I have been working on my Bachelors Degree for about a year and a half at Azusa Pacific University. When I learned I was cleared, I wept. Many people probably do not understand but my parents did not save money for me to go to college and I was not even prepared to go. My friends were filling out applications and writing essays, I didn't know what they were doing or that I should be doing it too. My mom did not even talk to me about going to college. She was too busy drinking and getting beat up by her alcoholic fourth husband. My dad was out of the picture and there was no college fund, for me.

I completed about a year and a half of college before I started working full time and only taking a class here or there. Long story short, I got married and had two children. I thought I would be married forever and so my education went on the proverbial back burner. Fast forward to a divorce and a need to support myself and tow children, with no help from their father.

I started doing an accelerated program for adults last year. It has sped by at an alarming rate. I should actually be walking across the stage for graduation two weeks from today and I sill don't think the magnitude of all of it has hit me yet. I pray getting my degree will open new doors for me career wise that will enable me to support three of us comfortably, rather than paycheck to paycheck as we live now.

Neither of my parents have a four year degree, my mom has a two year and some medical training and my adopted dad had a four year, but neither of my biological parents has theirs. It is going to be empowering to be the first in my immediate family to get their degree and to know that I did it on my own while working full time and raising two children will make it that much sweeter. I hate being the age that I am and just now getting my degree but I could be the age I am and not have it.

I imagine that I am going to cry when I get my degree, I am a cry-er. Who knows what will really happen. All I can say now is I am really looking forward to being done with juggling school, work and kids and walking across that stage.

Kanye West may be the stupidest person on the planet

Recently Kayne West defended his "right" to wear fur. His main defense was the "he is a rock star." So, apparently being a rock star gives you the right to torture, skin and wear innocent animals. Fantastic! I was not aware this was part of the "Rock star's bill of rights", nor was I aware there was one.
Has this man learned nothing from the award show debacle? He needs a leash and a muzzle. His management or handlers must be dying. He should not be allowed to speak in public, ever. What a moron.

Election Ads

Every four years it comes screaming back to me why I hate election years: The ads.
I love back to back ads, one for and the next against the exact same proposition, or candidate. I am also extremely fond of seeing negative, hate engendering commercials for the same backwards propositions over and over again. Yelling at the T.V. does no good, in case you were wondering, but hadn't tried it.

My favorite this year is Proposition 8, the gay marriage proposition. Proponents contend it is "protecting" "traditional" marriage. Anything that includes buzz words like protect and traditional should automatically make your left eyebrow go up, and may be followed by an eye roll if your brain is working. Why, pray tell, does your marriage need "protecting"? Is your marriage really, in actual tangible ways, different today than it was yesterday because a gay couple got married yesterday? I ask for proof. Is your marriage somehow in danger? Now they are playing up the school angle, "It's going to be taught in our schools" OOOHHHH. Wow, do you honestly think it is going to be taught on a regular basis, continually like timetables? Or do you think maybe they might read a book for five minutes and that will be it? My favorite commercial shows a couple saying that it will happen in your schools, "in our school in Massachusetts they told our son boys could marry boys". SO WHAT! Do you think your child is now thinking he wants to marry Billy instead of Suzy, seriously? I am the mother of two heterosexual boys. They are only 9 an 12 and I have known for several years that they are raging heterosexuals, not that I would love my kids any less if they weren't (and some people would, don't fool yourselves!). I could bore you with examples to illustrate HOW I know, but trust me I know.

So let's digress for a moment, I assume all of you clearly remember the day you DECIDED to like the opposite sex. What, you, don't? Could you possibly be admitting that it isn't a DECISION people MAKE. Could it be that you always liked the opposite sex, since a very young age and never made a conscious choice, it was just ingrained in you? Therefore, what are you so terrified of your child learning in school? Is Johnny going to turn gay because he got this information in school? It doesn't work that way, get out of the dark ages, open your heart and your mind. Stop fearing what you don't know or understand and quit preaching hate to your children. We need to be teaching our children tolerance, not to treat people differently simple because they look, talk or behave differently from us. If you doubt this for one minute imagine that your religion, race, ethnicity is suddenly, inexplicably the "different" one, would you like to be singled out? Many are too comfortable in their masses of sameness and have never considered what it would be like to be on the outside, and you should. If you want to raise compassionate, responsible adults, you need to raise your children with the same sensitivities. How dare you purport to be a "Christian", but be teaching hate.

Proposition 8 is thinly disguised discrimination. There was this little thing called the Civil Rights Movement in the 60's, It used to be legal to discriminate against people based on color, now we realize that was pretty ridiculous. It is no more legal or right to discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation.
Prop 8 isn't about our schools or kids being taught about gay marriage it is about preaching fear and hate and legalizing discrimination.